And this is definitely a topic I excel in.
1. Don't face reality in the face. Rather face it's back-side, that way you can hide from it and never come to terms with anything, ever happening in your life. Some people call this 'denial', or 'delusion'.
2. Avoid people that live in 'reality', these people are dull and only serve to crush your delusional, blissful way of life. These people live in a black pit of realistic expectations. You don't need that in your life.
3. People are 'literally' the worst. Remember this and let it lull you to sleep at night. They like "chatting" with you, and "caring" about you. What's that all about? Get a life people!
4. When people give you compliments don't merely say 'thank you'. Proceed to explain every minuscule detail you can think of, about whatever they complimented you on. Where you got it, when, how much it cost, what material it's made of, a funny/ interesting story about it, etc.
5. Never leave the house without a book. This way in any uncomfortable/boring/stressful situation you have any easy escape. (This step goes hand in hand with step 1- 'delusion'.)
6. Keep a journal and write about every feeling you have ever felt, and read the entries over and over again to remind yourself of your miserable existence.
7. When you do hang out with people make sure you do or say something really uncomfortable or embarrassing, then they won't invite you anywhere anymore and you are free to stay home and write in your 'feelings journal'. ("Dear Diary, Today I tripped and fell while carrying a tray full of cupcakes at a graduation party. I destroyed all of the cupcakes with my face and most of my body and have died part of my hair green. At least now I won't have to socialize for awhile. Sincerely, McKenzie XOXO)
8. Go to bed at 9:30pm because you're an "early riser".
9. Stare off into space a lot, then realize you have been staring at a stranger for a good 10 minutes. Stare angrily at them for another 5 minutes so they think you were challenging them to an old fashioned show down.
10. Stare at people purposefully...people like it...even if they say they don't...
11. Drop things. Computers, phones, pianos, cats, dogs, babies, food, anything you can get your hands on.
12. Adopt a cat. Cats are God's gift to socially inept people, enjoy the company.
13. If you don't have confidence- fake it! "McKenzie, you look very nice today." "Yes, I know."
14. Spend an entire day speaking in gibberish. It's fun. It breaks up the monontonous life you have. (Accents are accepted too.) If people have a problem with it, speak even louder and they will love it.
15. And finally- be yourself. Yet not completely yourself. More like an improved version of yourself. Yourself 2.0. Yourself plus Kanye West. Scratch that, yourself minus any trace of Kanye West.
You can throw those self help books goodbye! (Considering people still buy those things..."Here, read about how I overcame loserhood and am now killing it in adulthood. Pay no attention to the fact that I'm merely writing about my embarassing life stories and getting paid for it. Maybe one day you can become just like me.")
*McKenzie Porter is not responsible for any harm or loss of friends/ self respect you may lose after listening to her advice. She is not a certified person to take advice from, nor does she back up any of the above written material. Accept maybe #12 because she loves cats and really wants one.*
McKenzie you make me laugh every time. I miss seeing your face all the time. I'm going to work on all of the very wise pointers. So sad I am only just getting right before turning 40. They may have come in quite handy years ago. 😘
ReplyDeleteMcKenzie you make me laugh every time. I miss seeing your face all the time. I'm going to work on all of the very wise pointers. So sad I am only just getting right before turning 40. They may have come in quite handy years ago. 😘
ReplyDelete